You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
