Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
