i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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