why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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