i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
it was like eating out sand paper
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
