i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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