So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
