Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
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He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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