Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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