Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
