When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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