Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
