After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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