My room smells like vodka and shame
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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