First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
