so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
