You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
