Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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