why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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