How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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