I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
