sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
