Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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