I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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