oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
then he tried to convert me to islam
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
