I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
