please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
