I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
