new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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