my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
