I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
