Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
