dude i'm inner monologue high
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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