I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
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Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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