Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
