Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
