I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
