I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
