I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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