he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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