What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
