One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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