Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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