if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
