dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
