i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
