Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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