allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
well you can't waste a boner
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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