I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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