I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
