I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
