I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
These tits shall not be calmed
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