I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
