so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
