sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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