Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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