i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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